


by the grace of god

by krashlyntome (bestthreemonths)



Series: safe haven [1]
Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-02
Updated: 2016-08-02
Packaged: 2018-07-28 22:17:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7658935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bestthreemonths/pseuds/krashlyntome
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For Ashlyn Harris, imagining life with a family is as impossible as imagining life without Ali Krieger.</p>
            </blockquote>





	by the grace of god

**Author's Note:**

> Note: there is nothing explicit, but I included the M rating and the underage warning because it does involve "love scenes," if you will, among minors.

The first time Ashlyn Harris fought for Ali Krieger was when she was six years old. She was the closest thing to family Ashlyn had, and though all the girls looked out for each other, the boys hadn't quite gotten that memo yet.

The perpetrator was an 8-year-old boy named Connor, still chubby in the way that stopped being cute about two summers ago, but nobody had bothered to tell him that, probably because he had been around so long that all the kids in his house respected him as an elder, and therefore, so did all the younger kids. He was the ultimate suck-up, always acting like a perfect angel when the house parents were watching, then turning around and becoming the biggest bully on the playground.

Today they’re playing soccer, and he’s mad that Ali’s legs, skinny but strong in all the places she needs to kick a ball, are outrunning his, beating him to the ball and dribbling through his ankles to score on Ashlyn, who’s in goal for the other team. Ashlyn is putting herself in position to stop Ali’s shot when she sees him reach out to grab her ponytail, yanking her down to the ground and kicking the ball out of bounds.

All the teenagers who usually officiate their games are still in school taking exams before their summer vacations can start, so nobody can step in to grant Ali her deserved penalty kick. Ashlyn watches as Ali tries to blink back tears and Connor high fives all their teammates, and she leaves the goal to help her up and dust her off.

“Hey jerk!” Ashlyn calls. “Say you’re sorry.”

“But I’m not,” Connor retorts with a smirk. “I saved you from getting scored on.”

“I had it covered,” Ashlyn grits through her teeth. “Say you’re sorry.”

“Make me.”

He regretted saying that seconds later when Ashlyn pinned him to the ground and gave him a black eye. Ali was his saving grace in the end, pulling Ashlyn away before she could do more damage.

“You weren’t even on my team,” Ali hissed, baffled that Ashlyn would get in trouble for her and annoyed at the possibility that it would mean Ashlyn couldn't go on their weekly ice cream outing.

“I’m always on your team,” Ashlyn replied simply.

Ashlyn had extra chores for the rest of the week and had to wake up at sunrise on Saturday to help with yardwork, but it was worth it to come to Ali’s rescue, whether she really needed it or not.

But that’s how they’d been ever since Ali and her brother came to Safe Haven two years ago after their mother passed away from cancer, leaving them with a single dad ravaged by grief and depression and unequipped to be a father to two young children. By the grace of God (if you were to believe everything the house parents said, anyway), the social worker assigned to their case knew about Safe Haven, a home in northern Virginia for children whose parents are incarcerated. Their father never went to jail, opting instead for substance abuse inpatient treatment, but they took in Ali and Kyle anyway, and nobody who met them and looked into their huge, innocent brown eyes would even bother asking why.

Had they been a little younger, Ali and Kyle might have been allowed to stay in the same house, but once the kids entered kindergarten, they lived in houses separated by gender, and Ali was 5, and Kyle was 6. Ashlyn was 4 at the time, but she had moved from the Maple House, where the 3 and 4-year-olds live, to the Elm House, where the elementary-aged girls live, a few months before Ali and Kyle arrived because of the arrival of 3-year-old twin boys.

The other bed in Ashlyn’s double room had been empty since Sadie, the first-grader who used to occupy it, went home with her mother, who had been released from prison six months earlier and, thanks to services from Safe Haven, had found a job, a pro bono counselor, and a safe place to live.

Ashlyn was excited to have a new roommate, but that roommate, a tiny, timid brunette, didn’t seem interested in even introducing herself, let alone playing with Ashlyn. 

She cried herself to sleep the first night, then again on the second night, so on the third night Ashlyn crawled into her bed and rubbed her back just like Carla, the house mother in Maple, used to do for her whenever she was sad. Ashlyn still remembers her surprise upon discovering, weeks later when Ali went to her first day of school and Ashlyn stayed home, that Ali was older than her.

The next morning, Ashlyn had introduced herself, even though nobody could possibly miss the outgoing, brash little girl whose volume betrayed her size. The first words she heard Ali speak were “thank you,” and then nothing else till that night.

“Will you tickle my back again?” Ali had whispered after Joanna, the Elm House mother, tucked them in and turned out the light.

“Only if you tell me your name,” Ashlyn said. She knew it, but she wanted to hear Ali say it herself.

“Alex,” she had said softly, and only the dark hid Ashlyn’s surprise.

“I thought it was Ali,” Ashlyn had said, betraying just how much she already knew.

“My mommy calls me Alex,” Ali had whispered. “I miss hearing her say it.”

“Okay,” Ashlyn had agreed. “Alex.”

~

Ashlyn’s story was more representative of the majority of the children. Ali and Kyle ended up at Safe Haven despite having two parents who loved them very much and wanted the very best for them. They were very much the exceptions to the rule.

Ashlyn had lived at Safe Haven since she was an infant. Her mother had given birth to her while she was in prison, and a young couple was all set to adopt her, but things fell through at the last minute (as things so often do), and she went to Safe Haven instead. When she was 3, her mother was released from prison and visited her when she was getting back on her feet. Two weeks later, she signed over her parental rights to Safe Haven. Ashlyn would come to recognize this much later in life as her mom’s way of saying goodbye and getting closure, but when she was a child, all she could figure was that upon meeting her, her mother didn't like what she saw and decided to leave her behind.

She saw children come and go (she was happy when her friends who had left came back until she was old enough to understand why), so she learned early on never to get attached. None of that seemed to matter when it came to Ali, though.

In retrospect, Ali was the biggest risk of them all. Not only could she very well leave at any moment, she probably would leave, released into the arms of a loving father who made some mistakes but still wanted to be a father, who wanted to hug and kiss and love the children his beloved wife left behind.

He even sent them cards and five-dollar-bills for Christmas and their birthdays, which Ali would always share with Ashlyn by buying packs of gum or candy they could savor slowly, over a number of weeks.

When Ali’s dad came to get his kids, she would live a happy, comfortable life in a room she’d have all to herself, probably far away from any memory of Ashlyn. But none of that mattered to Ashlyn because when she was with Ali—her best friend, her closest confidant, her secret keeper—she couldn't imagine anything that could possibly go wrong.

Until it all went horribly wrong.

~

Ashlyn’s favorite part of the day is her bus ride home with Ali. She's only a little over a year younger than Ali, but they're two grades apart thanks to Ali’s July birthday and Ashlyn’s October birthday, making Ali constantly one of the youngest in her class and Ashlyn one of the oldest in hers.

The two years Ashlyn was in elementary school and Ali went to middle school were absolutely miserable, and Ashlyn refuses to think about the fact that Ali will be going to high school next year, leaving her behind again. For now, all they're concerned with is finishing their homework as soon as they can so they can play soccer outside before dinner.

The Palm House is probably Ashlyn’s favorite house she's lived in so far because it's only middle school girls (though she's lived there since halfway through fourth grade when the house parents realized she and Ali were miserable apart) and every day they come home to some sort of secretly healthy snack at the kitchen table where they all sit together and work quietly on homework.

Ali usually helps Ashlyn with English, while Ashlyn helps Ali with pre-algebra, which is the only class they have together. A sixth grader in an all eighth grade class would be unheard of usually, but Ashlyn’s sixth grade math teacher had recommended promotion after just two days of having Ashlyn in her boring baby math class.

Today Beth has made zucchini bread, one of Ali and Ashlyn’s favorites, but as soon as they come running into the house, Ashlyn can tell something is wrong.

For one, Kyle is sitting at the table, picking at a piece of zucchini bread, which he clearly doesn't appreciate as much as he should. Boys are never allowed in girls-only houses and vice versa, with the exception of house parents. For them to make an exception means something, but Ashlyn can't tell what.

Ali is so excited to see her big brother that she doesn't even question his presence till Beth and her husband, Charlie, walk over to speak softly to her and Kyle before leading them outside.

Ashlyn strains her ears to listen to whatever is going on on the back porch, but it's all muffled, and besides, the rest of the girls haven't caught on that something is very wrong. 

She nearly jumps out of her seat when she sees Ali start to cry through the window, but she remembers in time that she should be minding her own business, so she watches Beth hold Ali as she sobs, rubbing her back.

Whatever the news is, Kyle doesn't seem quite so affected, remaining stoic and reaching his hand out to stroke Ali’s hair while she cries. They talk for a little while longer outside before finally bringing Ali and Kyle back into the house.

The rest of the girls are too focused on their homework to notice, but Ashlyn catches a glimpse of Ali between the bent heads of Nisha and Lourdes, the two other sixth graders in the house, as she shuffles past, sniffling as she tries to hold back her tears on the way to their shared room.

She's not sure when Kyle leaves, but by the time Ashlyn finishes her homework so she can finally leave the table, Ali is predictably not in the mood for soccer.

The room is dark when she walks in, the shades drawn and Ali curled up in Ashlyn’s bed, taking the tiny little gasping breaths of someone who doesn't have any tears left but can't control their emotions.

“Alex,” Ashlyn says softly.

“I'm sorry,” Ali hiccups, sitting up. “I should have asked if I could use your bed, I'm just—”

“No,” Ashlyn says. “Of course you can. What… what's going on?” Even in the dim light, she can see Ali’s lip tremble, and she regrets asking.

“My dad,” Ali starts. Ashlyn’s chest clenches. “He died.”

Ashlyn freezes, torn between a million different feelings, but the most prominent one is something like… relief.

When Ali's words sink in, though, Ashlyn springs into action, moving slowly toward the bed where Ali is sitting and wrapping an arm around her.

“I'm so sorry, Alex,” she whispers, rubbing her back the way she always does when Ali is sad. “I'm so so sorry.”

The details come out slowly, as Ali decides she's ready. Kyle had promised, she says. He promised that it would only be a matter of time till their dad was ready to take them home. He wrote letters to Kyle saying that he got an apartment and as soon as he got their rooms ready, he'd be coming for them. He had asked Kyle all about Ali, her favorite colors and animals and books, all so that he could surprise her with a decorated room with all her favorite things. If that were true, Ali reasoned with tears glistening in the moonlight shining through the windows later that night, tucked in close to Ashlyn, then why did he still take drugs?

There's no sugar coating at Safe Haven, and all the children are encouraged to be open with their feelings and with their stories, and apparently telling a 13-year-old and a 14-year-old about their father’s death is no different. Ali knows the exact name of the prescription and the type of alcohol he mixed it with, and she spends hours on the computer in the office in the days following researching the warnings, as if her post facto knowledge could somehow save him.

His memorial is the following weekend, and Ashlyn is the only person other than Ali and Kyle who's allowed to go. Everyone else just signs a card for them attached to the bouquet of flowers that sits on Ali’s nightstand for a day before she throws it in the trash because the color reminds her of Pepto Bismol.

It's boring and stuffy and nobody really shows up, which makes Ashlyn sadder than she thought she would be. If Ali’s dad’s life was as great as he said it was when he passed, why didn't he have friends? Family? The landlord for that beautiful apartment?

She and Ali separately come to terms with the fact that none of it is true, but they pretend like it is. Not because it's easier (if anything, it's harder), but because that's what he wanted them to believe about him. And really, what's the harm in remembering someone better than they were? After all, they aren't around to disappoint you anymore.

It's ice cream night for Palm House, but Ali doesn't want ice cream when they get home, so neither does Ashlyn. One of the nursery staff comes over to babysit (though they're most certainly not babies), but all they do is watch a stupid PG movie in silence on the couch till Ali decides she’s ready for bed, which is only about fifteen minutes into the movie.

After they brush their teeth and get ready, Mandy, the babysitter, suggests they all say their prayers together. Of course she would suggest that, she's with the little kids all day. She has to pray with them to teach them how. Ali and Ashlyn haven't said their bedtime prayers with anyone else since they moved up to Palm House, and Ashlyn finds herself struggling to remember the last time she said them at all.

“Heavenly Father,” Mandy starts in her sweet, small voice. Ali peeks up at Ashlyn, who rolls her eyes, making Ali smile a tiny bit.

They've never talked about it, maybe because they're scared of saying it out loud, especially in a house with Bible passages painted on canvases in every room, but somewhere along the way they've both come to their own individual conclusions that maybe the way Safe Haven knows God isn't the way they do.

“Thank you for this beautiful day, Lord,” Mandy continues. “Thank you for Ali and Ashlyn and just their beautiful hearts and kind, joyful spirits, God. I pray that you'll just lift them up in this difficult time, Lord, and that they'll just be still and know that you are God and just know you are on the throne, Father God.”

Ashlyn feels like she's going to gag at this point, as she's never heard someone use so many different names for God in one prayer. She's just waiting for her turn so she can throw in a Yahweh or Emmanuel.

“Heavenly Father, I want to just lift up Ali and Kyle and their dad to you.”

“Don't,” Ali says sharply, her eyes flying open. “I don't want to talk about him.”

Mandy looks shocked, but she tries to recover. “If you can't talk to God, who can you talk to?”

“Ashlyn,” Ali says. “Kyle. I don't want to pray for him. Don't pray for him. He wouldn't have wanted it anyway.”

Mandy just looks at Ali, baffled that anyone would respond to prayer in such a way.

Ashlyn quickly bows her head. “Thank you for this day and for all you've done for us in your son’s heavenly name we pray amen,” she rushes to close out the prayer, knowing it’s the only way to calm Ali down without causing a scene.

“Amen,” Mandy repeats softly, standing to leave the room. “Good night, girls. You're both in my prayers.”

Ali doesn't say anything, but when she crawls into Ashlyn’s bed instead of her own, Ashlyn knows she's upset.

“She doesn't understand,” Ashlyn says. “She can't.”

“I'm an orphan,” Ali whispers, and the word pains Ashlyn more than she ever thought it would. They both are, she realizes, even though Ashlyn’s an orphan by choice (her parents’ choice, that is), and Ali only by circumstance.

“Orphans don't have family,” Ashlyn says. “Or people who love them. You do. You have Kyle and Beth and Charlie and Sonya and Catalina and…”

“And you,” Ali adds.

“Of course me,” Ashlyn says. She makes a face and sticks out her tongue. “Duh.”

Ali rolls over, snuggling into Ashlyn’s side. “Do you believe… like really believe in heaven?”

“Sure,” Ashlyn says, heart racing. “Why wouldn't I?”

“Don't lie,” Ali says. “If there is a heaven that'll keep you out.”

“I'm not sure,” Ashlyn says. “Nobody’s sure.”

“Mandy seems pretty sure.”

“Mandy can't walk and chew gum at the same time,” Ashlyn jokes.

“Jesus God Father Lord,” Ali says in her best Mandy impression.

“Next time count how many times she says just,” Ashlyn laughs, thrilled to see Ali joking around for the first time in more than a week.

Ali buries her face in Ashlyn’s neck to control her giggles, and it tickles, but Ashlyn likes the feeling. Ali tilts her head back to look at Ashlyn, grinning, and before Ashlyn knows what's happening, Ali’s lips are firmly against hers, pressed tightly together.

Ashlyn feels her face heat up, but she doesn't pull away, waiting for Ali to decide she's done, which she does after a few seconds that feel like hours.

Ali looks up at her with a glint in her eyes like she just told a joke and she's waiting for Ashlyn to get it and laugh.

This was certainly not covered in their Sunday School curriculum. Beth leads a Sunday evening “girl talk” session with all the middle school girls to talk about things their moms usually would be responsible for, things like periods and boobs and boys. They had talked about dating (when they're older) and safe sex (when they're much older), but never about what you actually do when someone kisses you or how to kiss them back, and they most certainly hadn't prepared Ashlyn for that someone to be her best friend. Or a girl.

She's playing, Ashlyn decides, and so she plays along, kissing her back, a quicker peck this time. Her body seems to know what it's doing before her brain does, and she runs a hand through Ali’s hair.

“I love you,” Ali says softly, her eyes brimming with tears.

“I love you too,” Ashlyn says, taking her hand under the blanket.

“But like, as just my best friend?” Ali asks. “Or more?”

Ashlyn doesn't quite know how to respond. Ali's never been “just” anything to Ashlyn. She's more than a best friend, but Ashlyn can't think of anything closer. If you'd asked her five minutes ago, she might have said sister, but she's almost positive that you aren't supposed to kiss your sister the way Ali just kissed her.

“What do you mean?” She can see Ali start to think about what she means, growing frustrated with her inability to find the words to explain.

“Never mind.” Ali rolls over and goes to sleep, so Ashlyn figures it must not be all that important.

~

It becomes a thing, not every night, but more often as the months progress, where Ali will get into Ashlyn’s bed and snuggle up, and before long, they're kissing. They know better than to talk about it around other people, and some part of them feels an inexplicable understanding that they need to keep it a secret.

Maybe it's practice, Ashlyn thinks, for when they're both old enough to like boys. It's already happened to some of the girls around their age, but not to her. She hasn't gotten her period yet either, so maybe that all happens at once. Ali has her period and all the things that come along with it, like boobs and attention from boys. Ashlyn worries that maybe she's going to grow out of Ashlyn like she's grown out of two pairs of shoes and an entire wardrobe in the past year.

Boys in eighth grade (even the older boys at Safe Haven) notice Ali, but she doesn't seem to care about the way they flirt and tease and stare longingly as she sticks out her tongue in concentration while taking notes in class.

And it doesn't feel like practice when Ali opens her mouth, silently suggesting Ashlyn do the same, and slips her tongue inside Ashlyn’s mouth when she does.

The summer when Ali’s between middle school and high school is just as much of a turning point for Ashlyn, who finally gets her period and boobs, the former far more immediate than the latter. Boys notice her too, especially when they go on their annual trip to the lake, where all the kids stay at a conference center that a generous donor pays for.

There's no secret about the fact that this trip is always the one filled with teenage angst and drama, where girls run down the hallways giggling and whisper about the boys who sat next to them at lunch.

The boys are even less mature, tugging at the girls’ bikini tops till one of the house parents catches them and pulls them aside for a scolding.

Ali and Ashlyn, as always, form their own group with Kyle and anyone else who doesn't feel like engaging in the drama. But at the end of the day, they're still 12 and 13, and being invited to the older girls’ slumber party on the second to last night isn't something anyone would ever say no to.

When they play truth or dare and the inevitable question comes to Ali (“so, who do you like? Like… like like?”), her eyes dart to Ashlyn for a millisecond before she swallows hard and shakes her head.

“Oh come on, we won't tell,” Diamond, a sophomore in high school, says. “You totally like Anthony, I can tell.”

Ashlyn scrunches her nose. She and Ali had stayed up the night before groaning about how obnoxious he is and how much he could stand to invest in a stick of deodorant.

“I don't like him,” Ali says, and Ashlyn's heart swells. “He's too young. I'm waiting to meet a more mature boy in high school.”

Ashlyn’s heart sinks.

~

The week before Ali starts high school, she moves into the Oak House with the other high school girls. No exceptions are made for Ashlyn this time, so she stays put. Suddenly two grades, which felt like nothing for so long, feels more like a million miles.

They spend their last night together kissing like they both know it's probably the last time they will. This time, Ali places Ashlyn’s hand under her shirt and leads her to cup her breast.

“I'm going to miss you,” Ali whispers when they start to doze off.

The feeling is mutual.

~

High school means so many new things for Ali that a few weeks into the school year, Ashlyn hardly sees her anymore. High school starts earlier and ends earlier, but Ali makes the varsity soccer team and forms bonds with people outside of Safe Haven. She gets a cell phone donated by some of the house’s sponsors to keep the kids safe while giving them a little more freedom. She even goes on her first off-site sleepover, and Ashlyn worries herself sick the entire time.

The only real time they spend together is when they're both caring for the babies in the Honeysuckle House, something they do for extra spending money. The full-time nursery staff are always around, but there are so many babies to hold and feed and change that nobody pays attention when they slip away and kiss in a room full of cribs without babies sleeping in them.

It goes on like this for a few weeks, Ashlyn seeing almost none of Ali all week long and then kissing her breathless on the weekends when they can manage to escape from anyone’s prying eyes. 

“What is this?” Ashlyn finally asks.

Ali doesn't look surprised by her question. She just smiles and shrugs. “It's what it's always been,” she says simply. “I love you.”

It explains nothing and everything all at once, but instead of pressing, Ashlyn just nods and kisses Ali on the cheek. “I love you too, Alex.”

~

It's the beginning of April when Ali comes back to her old room in the Palm House. A younger girl has moved into her bed, which is fine with her as long as she hasn't also taken her spot in Ashlyn’s arms.

“Can we talk?” she asks Ashlyn, nodding toward the other girl, a new addition named Mercedes who doesn't speak much English.

They go to the back porch where they've spent so many nights laughing and playing cards and sometimes crying, especially on the anniversary of Ali’s dad’s death.

“So Scott asked me to prom,” Ali says.

Scott is a junior at Ali’s school who she became friends with at the beginning of the year. She spends a lot of her free time texting him when she isn't hanging out with him and his older friends. He has a car that she always calls shotgun in, and Ashlyn doesn't know what it is about him, but she wants to smack the constant smirk off of his face every time she sees him.

“Oh,” Ashlyn says.

“As friends,” Ali says. “It's not like that.”

“Okay,” Ashlyn says. So much of her wants to bring it up again, the “what are we?” conversation, but the first time she had messed it up, and the second time Ali hadn't made it easy. “Are you going to kiss him?”

“Would it bother you if I did?”

“No,” Ashlyn reacts instantly. Ali looks like she's been slapped. “Yes,” she corrects. “It would. I don't want anyone else kissing you.”

That answer seems to satisfy Ali, who smiles softly, as if she's relieved. “I don't want to kiss anyone else,” she agrees.

“I miss you.”

“I'm right here, silly.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I miss you too,” Ali says, hugging her because she can't kiss her, not here.

~

Ali looks perfect at prom, her hair in an updo styled by Amy, her friend from school who's going with her long-term boyfriend. It seems like a double date to Ashlyn, but Ali laughs it off. Her dress is red and satin, and it doesn't fit perfectly, but Ali is perfect with or without a dress.

Ashlyn grimaces when Scott rests his hands on Ali’s waist for pictures, his face too close to hers for Ashlyn’s comfort. Before they leave, though, Ali insists on photos with Ashlyn, who isn't nearly as photo ready, but she forgets all that when Ali wraps her arms around her in a tight hug, smiling widely at the camera.

She doesn't expect to see Ali again until the next day, but Ali knocks at her window a little after midnight, beckoning her outside.

“Why are you here?” Ashlyn whispers when she gets out to the front porch. Ali's hair is in a messy bun, probably a result of taking out all those bobby pins but still having hairspray in.

“Please kiss me,” Ali says, her eyes filling with tears.

Ashlyn doesn't think twice about it, simply leaning in to kiss her without asking why. Her lips taste bitter, and Ashlyn has never had a sip of alcohol before, but she's sure that's what it is. When she's done, Ali is crying. “Alex…”

“I didn't mean to let you down,” Ali weeps.

“What?”

“He wanted to make out with me,” she says. “And all I could think about was you.”

“Did you…?” Ashlyn can't repeat the words.

“No,” Ali says. “He kissed me, and I told him I didn't want to, I just wanted to be friends.”

“You could never let me down,” Ashlyn tells her. “I promise. I'm proud of you, not just for turning him down because of me, but for lots of things.”

“We’re in love, aren't we?” Ali asks.

“I think so,” Ashlyn replies slowly. She's not sure. All she's ever known is loving Ali. Nothing changed when they kissed, and nothing’s changed even now. If she's in love with her now, maybe she always has been. Can you be in love when you're 13? When you're 5?

“So are Becky and Zola,” Ali says, referencing two of the high school seniors at Safe Haven. “And Amy and Adam. It's the same, right?”

“I think so,” Ashlyn says, but she doesn't know that for a fact. She just knows it's what Ali needs to hear.

“Then why am I so scared for anyone else to know?”

Ashlyn swallows hard. She’s been wondering the same thing. “I don’t think it’s wrong,” she says softly.

“Me neither.”

“Do you think they do?” She means all the house parents, the people who have sacrificed so much of themselves and their lives to be family to them, all the gracious donors who have sponsored vacations and Christmas presents and college scholarships for the ones leaving after graduation. The other kids who have become their family. Their biological parents, even.

“I don’t know,” Ali says.

“I don’t think we should tell,” Ashlyn says, sudden and decisive.

“Anyone?”

“Anyone who can’t be trusted,” Ashlyn says. “Just Kyle probably. They wouldn’t let us live together. And I really miss being your roommate.”

“I miss it too,” Ali says, smiling. It’s been almost a year and they still haven’t acknowledged everything that’s changed since Ali moved out.

“When you think about it,” Ashlyn says with a smile. “Most people don’t live with their girlfriends. Or boyfriends. This is kinda, I don’t know, different. But it’s not bad that we don’t have that much time together. I still love you.”

“And when you go to high school you’ll be with me,” Ali says. “I’ll have a car, I can take us places.” She’s been saving for a car since she was 10 and took a ride in one of the summer interns’ brand new red convertible.

Some of the kids would take full advantage of their trips to the mall, spending everything they had on cheap friendship bracelets and candy and toys, but not Ali. She was frugal, and though she wouldn’t chastise anyone else for how they chose to spend their money, Ashlyn wanted to emulate her. She’d follow her to the discount racks at Target and Gap, thumbing through and not buying anything until she was 100 percent sure she would wear it.

Ashlyn is busy imagining ice cream dates and trips to the beach alone with Ali when the door to the porch opens.

“Ali?” Beth asks softly. She's dressed in a bathrobe and slippers, and her pregnant belly is starting to show. Ashlyn isn't sure how she feels about a baby living in their house, but she loves Beth and Charlie, and if her other option is losing them as house parents, she’ll take the screaming kid. “I didn't think you'd be back before tomorrow. Girls, what are you doing out here so late?”

“I'm sorry,” Ali says. “I was going to stay out but I got homesick, so Amy's boyfriend drove me home. I… I didn't have a key to my house, so Ashlyn let me in here.”

“That's okay, sweetheart,” Beth says, relieved nothing is wrong. “Would you like to stay here tonight? I can set up the couch and make it comfy for you.”

“I can just get a sleeping bag and stay on the floor in Ashlyn’s room,” Ali suggests.

“Mercedes is sleeping,” Ashlyn says almost in a whisper as if she's in the room at the moment. “I'll sleep in the living room with you.”

“Whatever you'd like, girls,” Beth yawns. “I'm going to bed. Don't stay up too late gabbing.”

Ali playfully rolls her eyes toward Ashlyn when Beth turns around and goes back inside the house.

“Come on,” Ashlyn whispers, grabbing Ali's hand and heading inside toward the linen closet with the extra sleeping bags and blankets and pillows. “I have an idea.”

~

Ashlyn never feels as safe as when she’s under an elaborate handmade fort. She and Ali have to make it quietly, moving furniture amidst rogue giggles and shushes. They zip their sleeping bags together like all the girls do on camping trips for warmth, even though the house is a comfortable temperature, and they kiss quietly until Ashlyn can’t taste the bitterness on Ali’s lips anymore, doing away with any memory of her night on someone else’s arm.

They wake up early the next morning to the sound of Beth and Charlie shuffling around quietly as not to wake them. The house phone is ringing, and Charlie rushes to answer it softly, carrying it back into the master bedroom to talk.

“Morning,” Ali yawns, pulling away from Ashlyn. They probably only needed one sleeping bag considering how much space they actually used.

“Morning,” Ashlyn whispers back, yawning immediately after Ali does. She hears Charlie come back out and speak in hushed voices with Beth, who gasps and says “oh my.” They must not know they’re awake yet, because as quiet as they try to be, Ashlyn can still hear Beth when she says Ali’s name.

Ali must hear too based on the way her brows furrow in concern. She slithers out of the sleeping bag and crawls out of the fort, Ashlyn on her heels.

“Morning,” Ali mumbles, suddenly aware of the stale taste of liquor left on her breath.

“Hey, girls,” Charlie says, but Beth looks panicked.

“Is… everything alright?” Ashlyn asks, not sure if she wants the answer.

“Yeah,” Beth says. “It might be time for Ali to go home, though.”

“What’s going on?” Ali asks.

“Greg and Celia are waiting at the house for you,” Beth says.

“So it’s bad news,” Ali snaps, annoyed at the way Beth is beating around the bush. Greg and Celia are the couple who run the entire Safe Haven, and even though they live on the campus and are always around, they rarely pay personal visits to the children.

“Sweetheart,” Beth sighs.

“Don’t call me that!” Ali exclaims. “Tell me what’s going on!” Her eyes fill with tears. “You were the ones who told me my dad died. What could possibly be worse?”

Beth and Charlie exchange a look, knowing she’s right. Even though Greg had specifically instructed them to send Ali to them for the news, it can’t hurt to prepare her.

“Let’s go outside,” Charlie suggests, but Ali shakes her head adamantly.

“I don’t want to hear it without Ashlyn,” she says.

Ashlyn stares at the floor while Beth and Charlie have a silent argument, Beth eventually winning when Charlie sighs and gives in.

“Sit down,” he says, gesturing to the dining table. “First of all, Ali, I’m glad you came home safely last night. Remember you have all our numbers in your cell phone any time you want to come home for any reason. And we’ll never be angry if you call us and you’ve been drinking or anything. That’s a policy no matter which house parent you call or which house you’re living in. You know that, right?”

Ali flushes. She knew she should have brushed her teeth. “Yes,” she says in a small voice.

Charlie takes a deep breath, glancing at Ashlyn for a second before continuing. He knows the longer he waits the more nervous the girls will get, but they’re so young, and despite having been through as much as they have in their young lives, he still doesn’t feel right about subjecting them to more. But Safe Haven has a no-sugar-coating policy in place for a reason.

“Kyle was arrested for drug possession last night,” Beth says, piping up out of nowhere.

Ali gasps as she and Ashlyn both direct their attention to her, Ashlyn’s hand flying to Ali’s leg for comfort. “What?” She has to be kidding. Or setting her up for something worse so the bad news doesn’t seem so bad.

Kyle didn’t go to prom. He’s just a sophomore, and typically older girls don’t ask younger guys, but that doesn’t stop anyone from going to the after parties like the one Ali had gone to, which was busted after Kyle and his friends got pulled over and searched by a police officer on their way to the party.

Ali had seen and smelled marijuana at the party, but the things Kyle was caught with were things she’d only ever seen in movies and TV shows that she probably shouldn’t have been watching. And on the hundreds upon hundreds of pages she browsed on the internet after her dad died.

~

“I hate him!” Ali cries, pacing back and forth in the bedroom she used to share with Ashlyn. The rest of the girls woke up not long after Beth broke the news, and Ali had to go talk to Greg and Celia on her own before coming back to her safe haven with Ashlyn.

“No you don’t,” Ashlyn says. She won’t let Ali say that about the only family she has left.

“Right now I really do,” Ali says.

“I know you're upset,” Ashlyn says. “Maybe when he gets home and you can see him and talk to him…”

“I'm not speaking to him,” Ali grunts stubbornly.

Ashlyn sighs. “Alex,” she tries again. “He's your brother.”

“And he's an idiot.”

“You can't just give him the silent treatment.”

“How are you going to try to tell me how to deal with my brother?” Ali explodes. “Last time I checked you didn't have any.”

Ashlyn looks at the ground. Part of her knows Ali is just taking out her anger, but the other side, the raw and real side that has always yearned for the kind of connection Ali and Kyle have, can't rationalize her behavior. Her eyes well up with tears at Ali’s tone toward her, and she wipes them away quickly.

“Are you crying?” Ali asks, but her voice isn't gentle like it usually is. She sounds impatient, frustrated. Ashlyn sniffles again. “For God’s sake, Ashlyn!” Ali exclaims. “Sometimes I forget how young you are.”

Ashlyn whips her head up so she's looking straight at Ali, who isn't even paying attention to her. “I'm a year younger than you are.”

“Yeah, well you act a lot less mature than that sometimes,” Ali snaps.

Ashlyn can't stop the tears now, but it only eggs Ali on.

“Stop acting like a child!” Ali exclaims. She grabs her phone and the bag she had with her the night before, heading out the door. “Let me know when you've decided to grow up.”

~

One week. It's the longest Ashlyn has ever gone without speaking to Ali and the worst she's ever felt. She doesn't go to the Honeysuckle House on the following Saturday to cuddle babies, and she switches Sunday School classes the next morning to avoid Ali.

Finally, just before dinner on Sunday night, Ali comes back, announcing her arrival with a knock on Ashlyn’s bedroom door.

“I'm coming!” Ashlyn calls, assuming it's Beth to tell her dinner is ready.

Ali opens the door, peeking her head in. “It's me,” she says.

Ashlyn pointedly turns back to the math problem she's working on at the desk she shares with Mercedes, who rarely does her homework in the room.

“Please talk to me,” Ali sighs, sitting on Ashlyn’s unmade bed. “I'm sorry for what I said.”

“Which part?” Ashlyn asks, not looking up. “The part about how you can't take advice from me because I don't have a family like you? Or how I'm such a baby?”

“Both of those,” Ali says. “All of it. I was mad at Kyle and I was scared and hurt and I didn't mean to hurt you too.”

“You did.”

“I know,” Ali nods, placing a hand on Ashlyn’s shoulder. “I don’t want him to turn out like my dad.”

That gets Ashlyn’s attention, and she turns toward Ali. “He won’t.”

“You don’t know that,” Ali says. “How do you know it’s not genetic?”

“Cancer is genetic,” Ashlyn says.

Ali flinches, the few memories she has of early childhood with her mom flashing back. “So is addiction.”

“But he has you,” Ashlyn says. “And everyone here. He has people who can help him.”

“They’re sending him away,” Ali says, her lip quivering.

“Where?”

“I don’t know,” Ali says. “He’s leaving after school gets out for the summer. To get help or something. So the arrest doesn’t go on his record. I don’t even know if he has a problem. He won’t tell me anything. I don’t even know where he got the drugs, if he’s done it before, anything like that.”

“Maybe it’ll help,” Ashlyn says softly, taking Ali’s hand. “At least it won’t go on his record.”

“If you ever did drugs I’d never speak to you again,” Ali says suddenly.

Ashlyn smiles a bit, even though she knows Ali doesn’t mean to be funny. “I’ll keep that in mind,” she laughs, glancing toward the door before leaning in to peck Ali quickly on the lips. “He loves you,” she says. “And so do I.”

~

Now that there’s a timeline on it, Ali and Ashlyn decide to tell Kyle about their relationship before he leaves. His reaction is subdued, but positive and encouraging as he asks things like when it started and how they knew. He understandably expresses his concern that they’re so young, but Ali knows that’s just the big brother in him coming out. Besides, it’s not like they’re getting married or having sex or anything. She doesn’t even think she’d know how to do that. At the end, he hugs them both and tells Ashlyn to look out for Ali while he’s gone. Ali can look after herself, of course, but Kyle has seen Ashlyn come through whenever she has been needed for the past decade.

In his first letter home, he doesn’t write much, mostly just describing his room and roommate and all the people he’s met and activities he’s done. It sounds more like summer camp than whatever kind of sterile prison Ali had imagined. He promises to send pictures next time before signing off. He scrawled a paragraph on the back as well, one that Ali would have missed if it weren’t for Ashlyn being in the room when she read it and pointing it out. It seems like an afterthought, but upon reading it, Ali realizes it must have been on his mind for quite some time.

“Thank you for trusting me with your secret,” he writes, and Ali doesn’t have to wonder what he means. “You and Ashlyn are brave. And I think you’re right, I think it’s okay. And I think I’m the same. We’ll talk when I get back. I love you.”

In the weeks that follow, Ali looks forward to getting his letters at least once a week, maybe twice if she’s lucky and he has a lot to talk about. They’re better at expressing themselves in writing than they ever have been in person, and Ali can tell this time away is giving him the chance to reflect and learn more about himself.

Ali’s always had soccer (and Ashlyn), a place where she fits and brings something to the table. Kyle has so many amazing qualities, but he’s never been the most amazing student or incredible athlete, and he tends to be shy around kids his age. He comes alive with Ali, which is how they formed such a close bond, and she’s always felt an instinctual need to protect him and make other people see the great things about him.

He first uses the word “gay” when he’s been gone for about six weeks. He says he confided in his therapist, who assured him he’s not wrong for anything he’s feeling, but he still isn’t sure if he wants to tell everyone at Safe Haven. Ali doesn’t have a good answer for that, but she reads the word out loud to herself a few times, growing accustomed to the feeling of it on her tongue. It sounds light, non-threatening when she hears it in her own voice, or in her head in Kyle’s voice. Maybe it’s not as scary as she thought.

~

Because it’s the middle-school house, most girls only stay in Palm House for three years, Ashlyn being an obvious exception. Beth and Charlie know her better than any other adult, and they often designate her with being “in charge” when they run errands or go to meetings. She loves them like they’re her own parents, which is why it’s so bittersweet to leave after almost five years.

The bitter gives way to the sweet almost instantly when she steps onto the front porch of her new home and the door swings open to reveal a grinning Ali, ready to give her the grand tour. Even though she’s been in the house plenty of times, there are things you need to know as a resident that you don’t as a guest, like where the cups are located and how to make the shower hot, but not scalding.

It’s the biggest house she’s ever lived in, and while most of the upperclassmen (which includes Ali now) live upstairs in single bedrooms, Ali volunteered to stay downstairs so she could room with Ashlyn again. It already kind of feels like “their” room thanks to all the photos of them on Ali’s bulletin board over the shared desk, most prominently the one of Ali in her prom dress last year, grinning from ear to ear as she hugs Ashlyn.

She gets to settle in for a week or two, but it isn't until the night before her first day of high school that Ali returns to the room after brushing her teeth and washing her face and heads to Ashlyn’s bed instead of her own.

“Can I?” Ali asks, and Ashlyn just nods and scoots over, lifting the covers for Ali. It's been years since they've done this, except for when they've shared bigger beds in rooms with other girls, which doesn't really count.

The past couple weeks have felt like easing themselves back into a place where this is normal. When they shared a bed in middle school, it felt more innocent. Not that this isn't innocent, per se, but as she gets older, the way Ashlyn feels about Ali has changed. She still gets the same butterflies in her stomach when they're together, but now they're accompanied by butterflies even lower. She's spent some time learning about her own body and what makes her feel good and she's spent even more time squeezing her eyes shut and imagining it's Ali touching her, but she hasn't talked to Ali about it, too worried that she won't understand.

“Are you nervous?” Ali asks, wrapping her arms around Ashlyn’s waist and kissing her on the cheek. This is her favorite way to cuddle, where she’s holding Ashlyn but still sort of feels like a little spoon.

“A little,” Ashlyn confesses, though she isn’t sure if they’re both still talking about high school.

“Don’t be,” Ali says. “You’re smarter than anyone I’ve met there so far.”

“You’re a little biased,” Ashlyn teases, turning her head to kiss the top of Ali’s.

“Will you sit with me at lunch?”

“You won’t be embarrassed to be hanging out with a freshman?” Ashlyn asks.

“You know all my soccer friends,” Ali says with a roll of her eyes. “I usually sit with them. You can sit with us.”

“Maybe I’ll hold your hand under the table,” Ashlyn says, kissing Ali on the lips as her eyes flutter shut, imagining what that would be like. They talk about it, what it would be like to walk down the halls arm-in-arm, for Ali to take Ashlyn as her date to prom this year, but when it comes to actually doing it, they’ve both chickened out so far.

“I would love that,” Ali says, pressing her lips to Ashlyn’s again. “I love you.”

“I love you more,” Ashlyn says. “Don’t leave me tonight. I want to start the school year with you in my arms.”

That’s exactly how they wake up the first morning of high school and every morning following. They switch beds at random, most of the time the decision coming down to whoever is ready and in bed first. Even when they’re arguing—usually about Ashlyn taking too long in the mornings and making them run late or Ali leaving her sweaty, gross soccer things around the room because of how she strips down haphazardly when she gets home from practice—they end the day lying in bed together, legs intertwined.

They don’t talk about sex, at least for the first month or so, but some nights get more heated than others, and on one particularly intense occasion, Ali’s thigh slots between both of Ashlyn’s, and Ashlyn feels a rush she’s never felt when it rubs her just right.

“Stop, stop,” Ashlyn breathes, pushing Ali away.

Ali looks panicked. “What did I do?” she asks.

“Nothing, you’re perfect,” Ashlyn assures her, still trying to get her breath back. “I just… think we got a little carried away.”

Ali nods, climbing off of Ashlyn and the bed.

“No, come back,” Ashlyn whines. “I didn’t mean—”

“I know what you meant,” Ali says. “I didn’t know how to bring it up.”

“I just don’t know if I’m ready,” Ashlyn says. “Like, I want to. And I know it would be amazing. But—”

“You’re 14,” Ali says, almost like she’s reminding herself.

“I’m 15 next month,” Ashlyn says, offended.

“I know,” Ali says. “That’s not the problem. I just—I don’t want you to do anything you aren’t ready for. I wasn’t ready when I was 14, even though I knew I loved you.”

“Yeah,” Ashlyn says. “I don’t want to wait forever, but maybe we should… ease into it.”

“Of course,” Ali agrees. “I want to do whatever you want to do. Whenever you want to do it.” She cringes at how crude that sounds.

“I promise,” Ashlyn says. “I will want to one day. I do now. I just want to make sure it feels right when we do. I promise I’ll tell you when.”

Ali smiles, leaning in for another kiss, this one softer and a little more chaste. “I’d wait forever for you.”

~

She doesn’t have to wait quite as long as she was expecting, though. The night before Ashlyn’s 15th birthday is a Friday night, when the high schoolers have a shared movie night in the rec center. They all bring pillows and blankets to share on the couches, and both sets of house parents (there to chaperone and make sure boys and girls don’t get too close) make popcorn and let the kids have soda, an extra special privilege.

Ali and some of the other Oak House girls come in late, well after the movie’s already started. Ali slides into her usual spot between Ashlyn and Kyle, but instead of smiling and scooching closer, Ashlyn stares straight ahead, her arms folded.

“Hey, grump,” Ali whispers during a loud part of the movie when nobody will be mad. “What’s up?”

“Nothing,” Ashlyn says, still not making eye contact. “Trying to watch.”

Ali rolls her eyes, muttering under her breath about Ashlyn taking out her bad mood on her. She figures something must have happened between their drive home from school and now that she’ll vent about later and be fine, so she turns her attention to the movie.

As soon as the credits roll, Ashlyn gets up and walks out.

“What is her deal?” Ali huffs, looking at Kyle, who shrugs.

“Figured you two fought about something,” he says. “Beats me. She asked where you were, but I told her I didn’t know.”

Ali groans. “Thanks,” she says. “I should go talk to her. I don’t want to spend the majority of her birthday getting the silent treatment.”

“Good call,” he agrees, pulling her in for a hug.

Ashlyn hasn’t gotten far by the time Ali catches up to her on the path to their house.

“Hey, almost birthday girl!” she calls, jogging to meet her. “Are you mad at me?”

“Kinda,” Ashlyn answers. “You ditched me. I went to shower after school and when I got out you had gone into town with the girls without me. You didn’t even ask if I wanted to come.”

Ali can hear the hurt in her voice, and she silently curses herself. “Ash,” she sighs. “I didn’t mean to. We didn’t do anything fun, just boring errands.”

“I like doing boring errands with you,” Ashlyn grumbles. “I don’t like being left out.”

“Hey,” Ali says, grabbing her arm to stop her as she walks faster, like she’s trying to get away from Ali. “I would never ever purposely leave you out of something. Everything is more fun when you’re around. I didn’t think we’d be gone that long. I’m sorry.”

“I just wanted this weekend to be perfect,” Ashlyn says, her eyes filling with tears.

“Baby,” Ali says softly. “It’s your birthday weekend, of course you want it to be perfect. But it’s still the weekend, and we have so much celebrating to do and so much fun to have. Don’t tell me you forgot our plans.” Her eyes flash with excitement, and Ashlyn smiles. Birthdays are a big deal at Safe Haven, so there is no way they’d get away with spending the whole day off campus together, but Ali planned a perfect day date for Sunday after church.

“Of course,” Ashlyn says. “But I also came up with some other plans.”

“Okay,” Ali says slowly. “We can do whatever you want.”

“Can we talk about it at the house?” Ashlyn asks, shifting from side to side.

Ali follows her to the house and into their bedroom, where she quickly realizes Ashlyn doesn’t actually want to talk. She starts by pulling Ali to her in a passionate kiss that has both of their bodies spiking in temperature and proceeds to pull away and take off her shirt wordlessly, letting it drop to the ground.

“Ashlyn—”

“I’m ready,” Ashlyn says. It’s all she needs to say, as she makes sure to let her actions do the rest of the talking for her.

It’s not sexy or romantic like the movies or like Ashlyn’s imagination. It’s awkward and silly and a little painful when limbs move at the wrong time and Ali gets an elbow to the nose. It’s shaking hands and quiet gasps and slick tongues and clenched toes. It’s perfect.

When they’re done, they lie with their foreheads pressed together and hands on each other’s hearts, breathing deeply and trying to wrap their heads around this new step in their relationship and what it means to each of them.

Ali catches a glimpse of the alarm clock behind Ashlyn’s head and grins when she reads 12:01. She presses another kiss to Ashlyn’s lips. “Happy birthday, sweetheart.”

~

The first thing Ashlyn thinks when she wakes up is how perfect this moment feels, Ali’s skin against hers, her head on Ashlyn’s chest. The next thing she thinks—and this may be a result of the hushed voices she hears in the hallway—is that it probably isn’t the best idea to fall asleep naked in bed with your naked girlfriend in a house with doors that don’t have locks.

“Alex,” she whispers, ready to share that revelation, but before she can, she hears the door handle turn.

It feels like slow motion, because she knows what’s about to happen before it does, but there’s nothing she can do about it.

“Happy birth—” the girls start singing, but Kathleen, their house mother who opened the door and is leading the pack, a pancake with a candle on a plate in hand, stops short, her jaw practically hitting the floor.

The girls all nearly run into her, but she backs out of the room, closing the door firmly so they won’t see what she saw.

Ashlyn can hear the girls’ voices getting louder as they demand answers from Kathleen, but her heart is racing, and when she turns to Ali, it beats even faster. Ali’s eyes are filled with tears, and she looks petrified, worse than she did when Beth and Charlie told her about Kyle. She’s looking to Ashlyn for comfort and reassurance like she has so many times over the years, but this time Ashlyn has nothing.

It's another 30 minutes before they hear a knock on the door. Luckily, this time they're dressed and in a less compromising position, Ashlyn sitting on the edge of her bed whispering with Ali, who's at their desk, about why this certainly isn't the end of the world, though she isn't completely convinced of that herself.

“Girls?” Kathleen calls. “May we come in?”

Ashlyn's heart clenches at the word ‘we.’ She's only been in this house for a few months, so as nice as Kathleen and her husband, Eddie, are, she doesn't trust them enough yet to know how they'll react to this. Kathleen is kind and motherly, but not sweet like Ashlyn is used to. Eddie is quiet and gruff, but the older girls all adore him. Ali has been assuring Ashlyn he just takes some time to soften up, but now she doesn't seem so sure.

“Yeah,” Ashlyn responds, straightening up but then breathing out a sigh of relief when she sees Kathleen and Beth.

“Happy birthday, sweetheart,” Beth says, smiling brightly. “Good morning, Ali.”

“Hi,” Ali says so softly Ashlyn can barely hear.

“Can we take you girls out for a coffee run?” Kathleen asks. “It might be nice to get off campus for a little bit.”

Ali and Ashlyn exchange glances, but they both nod, getting their shoes on silently as Beth chats like nothing’s wrong, complimenting them on their room decor.

It isn't until they're sitting down, coffees in hand at a table in Starbucks, that Kathleen opens the real conversation.

“I could make a lot of assumptions about what I saw this morning, but I want to hear it from you,” she says.

Ali surprises them all by being the first to respond. “It's probably exactly what you think,” she says. “Ashlyn and I… we’re in a relationship.”

Kathleen and Beth both nod, not looking at each other, but between Ali and Ashlyn.

“How long has this been going on?” Beth asks.

“A… a while,” Ashlyn says. “Last night was the first time we—you know. But before then, we were together for a long time. Since middle school.”

Beth sucks in a sharp breath like she's stubbed her toe or hit her funny bone.

“I'm so sorry,” Ali says, her eyes filling with tears. “I know it's wrong, but—”

Ashlyn's eyes flash with hurt. Since when has it been wrong?

“Hey,” Kathleen says, reaching a hand across the table to cover Ali’s. “No. That's not what we’re talking about.”

“Why didn't you tell us, girls?” Beth asks, her eyes sad. Ali looks at Ashlyn, who is staring into her lap. “Is it because you were scared of how we’d react?”

Ali nods.

“I don't want you to ever be scared to be honest about anything,” Beth says, her voice as strong and harsh as Ali and Ashlyn have ever heard it. “We love you two so much. We love you all. Ashlyn, you lived with me for so long, you helped when Gracie was born, you're like my own baby. Ali, you and I have had some tough conversations, and you are so precious to me. There is nothing in this world that could ever change that. Do you both understand?”

Ali nods again, and Ashlyn, who's crying, does as well.

“We aren't upset about your relationship,” Kathleen says carefully. “We’re certainly surprised, but that's not why I'm upset. I'm upset that you didn't talk to us. If you can't trust us, we've failed at our jobs.”

“That's not—” Ashlyn starts, but she can't finish, her body shaking with the tears that she can't stop.

Ali reaches down to squeeze her hand, and Ashlyn flinches, but she accepts it.

“I think we can all agree that it's best if you two live in separate rooms,” Kathleen says, and Beth nods. Ashlyn holds Ali’s hand tighter. “This isn't a punishment, but it would be inappropriate for Becky and Zola or Lauren and Jrue to share rooms, right?” Ali’s eyes widen, and Kathleen winks. “Come on, everyone tries to keep secrets, but we always know. Most just don't have the misfortune of being caught in the same way.”

“Where will we live?” Ashlyn asks.

“You'll stay in your room,” Kathleen says. “And Christen has been gracious enough to offer to trade with Ali. We won’t try to keep you two away from each other, but I do ask that you keep the door open when you’re in Ali’s room together. And curfew still means being in your own rooms.”

“Do they know?” Ali asks, her face turning white.

“No,” Beth says. “That's up to you two. They were asked to pray about it, and Christen was the first to offer.” Ashlyn avoids eye contact with Beth after she says “pray,” and Beth notices. “Girls,” she sighs. “I don't want you to be scared to talk to us. To be open and honest about who you are.”

“But at church…”

Beth scoffs. “I know,” she says. “But at Safe Haven, we teach love and acceptance. I love the Lord, and I know He loves you both unconditionally. Who am I to be more picky than Him?”

Kathleen nods her agreement. “As for consequences,” she says slowly. “Again, you are not being punished for your… relationship, but for hiding it. Do you both understand that?”

Ali and Ashlyn nod.

“Both of your off-campus privileges are restricted for two weeks,” she says. Ali visibly deflates, all her fun plans for Ashlyn’s birthday flying out the window. “That means you go to school and come home, the only exception being soccer for you, Ali. Ashlyn, when Ali is at practice, you can take the bus home or get a ride with one of the other girls.”

It's Ashlyn’s turn to frown. She loves watching Ali play, even when it's just running sprints and drills. She does her homework on the bleachers and waits for Ali to finish so they can drive home together and talk about their days. It sucks, but she knows it could be a lot worse.

“But today,” Beth says. “Is a very special day, and we plan to celebrate accordingly.” She beams at Ashlyn, who blushes. “We’ll go home, we’ll have some fun—and some ice cream cake, right, Ali?”

“That’s why I didn’t ask you to come with us yesterday,” she says, turning to Ashlyn, whose hand is still in hers. “I had to do secret things for your birthday. Still mad at me?”

Ashlyn smiles sheepishly. “I guess not.”

~

Packing up is always the hardest part. Even though it’s her birthday and there are plenty of other things Ashlyn would rather be doing, she helps Ali pack up her clothes and books and other belongings.

“What did you mean when you said you know it’s wrong?” Ashlyn asks quietly. “Earlier?”

Ali looks at her hands. “I don’t know,” she says. “You know I don’t feel that way.”

“Yeah, but you said it.”

“I thought they were going to send us away,” Ali confesses. “Kyle’s mentee said his parents threatened to do that when they found out he was gay.”

Since coming back from rehab, Kyle has been channeling his energy into other people in difficult situations through an organization that partners with Safe Haven for some community events. He came back from rehab a changed person, and all he talks about now is changing the world and doing something that matters. He isn’t sure what that means in the long run, but for now it means helping younger students who need guidance.

“It’s not wrong,” Ashlyn says. “Kathleen and Beth both said. And they said they’d make sure if anyone has questions or concerns that they can talk to them. Are you scared of them?”

“No,” Ali says quietly. “I’m scared of being away from you.”

“We did it for two years,” Ashlyn laughs. “If everyone knows, at least we won’t have to hide it. They’re going to ask why we’re getting separated, and if we let them spread rumors, it’s going to seem so much worse than it is.”

“Worse than getting caught in bed naked?” Ali snaps.

“Worse than being in love,” Ashlyn corrects. “Which, for the record, I think is a good thing.”

Ali smiles, looking between Ashlyn and the open doorway before rolling her eyes and going in for the kiss. “I think it’s a great thing.”

She kisses her again (on the cheek this time) after Ashlyn blows out the candles on her ice cream cake. The rest of the girls notice and exchange glances, but if they’re surprised, they certainly don’t show it.

~

Ashlyn has never truly experienced college madness, but by November, it's in full swing for all the seniors—and Ali. College recruiters have been at her soccer games since her freshman year, but they've started to approach her and her coach about playing for schools near and far.

When Ashlyn goes upstairs one day to borrow a shirt from Ali, she goes into pure panic mode when she sees a recruiting packet from Stanford, all the way across the country. Ali has been talking about UVA and Penn State, both of which are much closer (and therefore preferable as far as Ashlyn is concerned), but Ashlyn knows Stanford is a huge name not only in soccer, but in real prestige. Ali would be silly to turn that down.

Ali doesn't bring it up, but she seems hesitant to talk about college at all. Sometimes Ashlyn will walk into the kitchen to see Ali and Kathleen in an intense-looking conversation over Kathleen’s laptop, but as soon as she walks in, Ali changes the subject and turns all her attention to Ashlyn, as if that'll distract her from whatever was going on.

As soon as the soccer season is over, every weekend is dedicated to all-expenses-paid campus tours, including one that involves a cross-country flight to California. Ashlyn is smart enough to understand that they wouldn't be going to such lengths if Ali wasn't already a sure thing for them. Now it's up to her to pick from her top 4, all of whom have offered her a full ride, which is essential.

They sit on the porch for hours the night before Ali goes to California, talking about absolutely nothing till Ashlyn finally brings it up.

“Why don't you talk to me about college?”

“I do!” Ali exclaims.

“Not really,” Ashlyn says. “We talk about money and grades and SAT scores, but not about where your heart is.”

Ali is quiet. “I guess I don't know yet.”

“I just want to know everything,” Ashlyn says. “If you go to Stanford and have the time of your life and fall in love with the campus, I don't want you to worry about upsetting me. I just want you to be happy. If that's in California, I'll miss you terribly, but I'll save up all my money to come visit you and I'll support you 100 percent.”

Ali nods, rubbing her arms that suddenly have goosebumps all over them. “Okay,” she agrees. “I promise I'll tell you everything.”

“Good,” Ashlyn says, wrapping an arm around Ali to warm her up. “So tell me everything you're going to do this weekend. What are you most excited for?”

They talk for another two hours before Kathleen is on the porch clearing her throat and tapping her watch because she's let them stay up way past curfew, not to mention Ali has an early flight.

Ashlyn can't take her to the airport because she wouldn't be able to get back in time for school, so she wakes up at 4 a.m. to help with Ali’s last-minute packing and to give her a hug and (incredibly chaste because Kathleen has eyes like a hawk) kiss, which feels like the most painful embrace of her entire life.

When she lands on Sunday night, though, exhilarated from a whirlwind weekend, her tackle-hug at baggage claim makes Ashlyn think maybe the being far away won't be so bad if the coming home feels like this.

~

“What if we just flip a coin?” Ali groans, throwing up her arms in frustration.

“I don't have any three-sided coins, do you?” Ashlyn teases, swatting her with the menu at their favorite sports bar in town. In the past year, this has become a constant on their nights out, whether they're on a date or with Kyle, like they are today, hammering down Ali’s final decisions.

It isn't even that urgent, really, she has plenty more time to decide, but nine times out of ten they start out discussing Kyle’s future and he suavely changes the subject every time.

“I don't get it,” Kyle sighs with frustration. “You want a good soccer school. And you loved Stanford. When will you ever get a chance like this again?”

Ashlyn rolls her eyes. She can't figure out why Kyle is so obsessed with Ali going as far away as possible. Ali did love Stanford, but she also loved Duke and Penn State. Ashlyn wishes she loved UVA a little more, but she swallowed her protests and told Ali she just wants her to be happy. Which is true, but if she can be happy on the East Coast, Ashlyn would far prefer that to her going across the country.

“I'm getting free college, Kyle,” Ali says. “And I get to play soccer and maybe even make a career of it. That's the opportunity, not going to California just because you think it's cool.”

“Besides, what are you doing next year, Kyle?” Ashlyn asks. “Last I checked, Alex still has plenty of time to decide.”

Kyle rolls his eyes. “We were talking about Ali.”

“Well I'm kind of done talking about me for now,” Ali snaps, standing up quickly. “I'm going to the restroom. We can leave when I get back.”

“Happy?” Kyle asks Ashlyn when Ali leaves.

“Me?” Ashlyn exclaims. “You're the one who's trying to ship her off across the country! You know that hurts her feelings, right?”

“Oh please, I'm being selfless,” Kyle says. “Unlike some people I know. You're going to have to learn to be independent at some point, you know.”

“I've been independent my whole life!” Ashlyn says. “She's your sister. Aren't you going to miss her?”

“Of course I am!” Kyle insists.

“Then why are you so obsessed with her going so far away?”

“Because then maybe it won't be so bad that I am!” he shouts back.

“Where are you going, Kyle?” Ashlyn asks slowly.

“If you tell Alex, I'll kill you.”

“We don't keep secrets.”

“Bullshit, I know all about how you hated the dinner she made for your anniversary,” Kyle says. “And I haven't told on you.”

“Fine,” Ashlyn says, knowing whatever he says, Ali will find out eventually. “I won't tell. But you will.”

“I'm enlisting,” he says.

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“I'm joining the Army,” he says.

“You're so full of shit,” Ashlyn laughs, but Kyle’s face doesn't change.

“I'm serious,” he says. “You can get scholarships for good grades, and Ali is obviously fine. I've got nothing. My grades are better since… everything, but that doesn't change the first two years. My only extracurricular is this peer mentoring thing, and that's not enough. If I want to go to school, which I do eventually, this is the best option.”

“There's community college,” Ashlyn says.

“Ashlyn,” he sighs. “This is what I'm doing.”

Ashlyn can see Ali walking back from the bathroom, and she curses under her breath. “You didn't even need to make me promise not to tell,” she says, standing up and grabbing Ali’s keys. “Because there's no way I'm breaking your sister’s heart for you. You can have that privilege all to yourself.”

~

In the end, he's too scared to tell her to her face, but Ashlyn knows it's only a matter of time. What she doesn't know is when to expect it. She gets a text from Kyle an hour before senior night at the high school, a night she's attended annually with the entirety of Safe Haven (at least the ones old enough to sit through two hours of boring pomp and circumstance). Usually she and Ali just play tic tac toe and hangman on the programs, but this year they get to see Kyle go through it. Considering two years ago nobody was sure he’d even graduate, it's a pretty huge deal.

“You with AK?” he texts.

“Yeah,” she replies. “Do you need her?”

“No,” he says. “Just needed to know you're with her. Love you both.”

Ashlyn reads his text twenty times, but she has no idea what he means till they're sitting down in the bleachers, Ali flipping through the program excitedly to find Kyle’s picture. All the seniors are listed in alphabetical order, along with any honors, extracurricular activities, and their plans for next year, a tiny little thumbnail portrait accompanying them.

Ali frowns when she gets to Kyle’s, putting her phone, which she had all poised to take a picture with, down next to her as she tilts her head.

“They messed it up!” she says, clearly annoyed.

“Did they put the E before the I?” Ashlyn laughs. It's Ali's pet peeve with their last name. “It's just a senior night program. You know they make the yearbook kids do that now that they don't have any work to do. It'll be right on his diploma.”

“No,” Ali says, rolling her eyes. “For his plans after high school, it says he's going into the Armed Forces. How ridiculous is that?” She looks up at Ashlyn, clearly expecting her to laugh or be surprised, but Ashlyn doesn't have time to adjust her reaction. Ali's face falls. “That's… ridiculous, right?”

“Alex,” Ashlyn breathes, but as soon as she opens her mouth, Ali knows.

“No,” she says. “No. Do not do this to me.” Her eyes fill with tears, and she keeps her voice down as to not attract attention, but that goes out the window when she gets up and barrels down the bleachers, Ashlyn chasing after her.

Somehow she gets all the way down without slipping in the heels she's wearing, and she runs outside into the courtyard, where the air feels much fresher than it did inside that stuffy gym.

“Alex!” Ashlyn calls, but Ali won't turn around, her arms folded over her chest as she sobs. “He was supposed to talk to you.” She curses him in her head for putting this on her.

“Well he fucking didn't,” Ali says. “And neither did you. So as far as I'm concerned you both can go to hell.”

“I promised him I wouldn't!” Ashlyn exclaims.

“So you promised him you'd lie to me.”

“When have we even talked about it?”

“Lying by omission is still lying!” Ali exclaims, her teeth chattering. “Please tell me this isn't real.”

“That would be a lie,” Ashlyn says quietly as sobs rack Ali’s body again. She wraps her arms around Ali, rubbing her back as Ali cries into her chest.

~

Ali drives them back instead of staying, making an excuse about not feeling well, and Ashlyn finds a stupid ABC Family movie to watch on the couch while Ali stews. As much as Ashlyn wants to go upstairs and cuddle with Ali, she knows it's not the best idea considering nobody else is in the house.

Kyle texts Ali when he gets home, asking her to come outside and talk to him. Ashlyn has to practically force her out the door. Ali promises she’ll come to Ashlyn’s room when they're done, but Ashlyn stops fighting sleep around midnight, so she doesn't see Ali till the next morning.

“You look awful,” Ashlyn comments when she walks into the kitchen to see Ali drinking a cup of coffee.

“Thanks, darling,” Ali bites sarcastically.

Ashlyn kisses her on the top of her head, not concerned with Kathleen or Christen, who's helping make eggs, seeing them. “How did it go last night?”

“I cried a lot if you couldn't tell,” Ali says. 

“Sorry, baby,” Ashlyn sighs, taking a sip of Ali’s coffee.

Ali rolls her eyes and takes the mug back. “Get your own,” she says. “I'm sorry for getting mad at you.”

“I kind of deserved it.”

“You're only saying that because you know I'll say you didn't,” Ali says, finally cracking a smile.

“Maybe.”

“I'm going to Penn State,” she says, and Ashlyn’s eyes widen in surprise.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Ali affirms. “It's just about the same distance as Duke, but I want to go to a big school. And I really really don't want to go all the way across the country.”

“You're not doing this just for me?”

“Of course I am,” Ali says, smirking when Ashlyn’s face falls. “I'm teasing. I'm doing it for me. And because my mom went there.”

“She did?”

Ali's eyes shine with tears as she nods, but she looks happy. “Kyle did a project,” she says. “When he was in, like, middle school. Before my dad died. And he wrote him letters asking for all this information, and he wrote back. Pages and pages of stuff about how he and my mom met, who she was before him. Most of it never made it into his project, so he forgot a lot of it, but he gave me the letters last night. When I saw that part, I just knew.”

Ashlyn doesn't believe in signs, but she’ll take what she can get if it keeps Ali (relatively) close by. “She would be proud of you,” she says, and she means it. She squeezes Ali’s hand over the table and smiles. “Both of you. I know I am.”

~

Kyle leaves for Basic Training just two weeks after he graduates, and Ali somehow holds her tears back just long enough to get to the car. Ashlyn holds her close in the backseat, rubbing her back, as Greg and Celia drive them home in silence.

When they get home, Lauren and Christen are waiting in the kitchen with freshly baked chocolate chip cookies that Ali declines at first, but it only takes them asking if she’s sure for her to change her mind and eat three.

“I think I just want to go to bed,” Ali says when they settle in to watch a movie.

Ashlyn’s face falls, but she nods. “Okay,” she says. “Do you need anything?”

“You know,” Christen says, taking notice. “I have something for you, Ali. In our room.”

Ashlyn looks at her in confusion. Christen hadn’t mentioned anything to her about that, but she follows her to their shared room anyway.

“If I’m here, you can stay,” Christen says to Ali when they get to their room.

“What?” Ali asks.

“You don’t want to go to bed, you want to be comforted,” Christen says softly, sitting on her bed and crossing her legs. “When I first got here, I just stayed in bed. It didn’t help. Having someone who loved me and could hold me when I cried would have. You have that. Kathleen wouldn’t let Ashlyn stay upstairs in your room, but she won’t care if you stay in here as long as I’m here too.”

“So you’re going to watch us spoon?” Ashlyn jokes to cover her blush.

Christen smiles. “I’ll watch a movie on my laptop,” she laughs. “Then I’ll go to sleep. Ali, you can stay as long as you need.”

“Thank you,” Ali says, hugging Christen. “And by the way, we love you.”

“And if you want, you can be the little spoon,” Ashlyn adds, joining in on the hug and kissing her roommate on the cheek.

It’s the first night they’ve spent together since Ashlyn’s birthday, and when they wake up in the morning, Ashlyn doesn’t want to let go.

“One day we’ll wake up like this every morning,” Ali whispers as a promise.

~

Ashlyn isn't sure she believes in God, but she still thanks Him every single morning when she wakes up in a warm bed with a roof over her head and a text from Ali saying some variation of “good morning,” “I love you,” or “get your ass to the kitchen we’re going to be late.”

She thanks Him when Ali's soccer team wins the championship even though she stays up with her till 2 a.m. in the living room, crying because she wishes Kyle were there. She thanks Him at Christmas when Ali gets to Skype with Kyle for a precious 20 minutes while they open each other’s gifts, thrilled to see the smile that only Kyle brings return to her face. She even thanks Him when she’s helping Ali get rid of her belongings during spring cleaning and Ali says things like “this won’t fit in my dorm room.”

She thanks Him when Kyle gets permission to come home from where he’s stationed a few hours away to see Ali cross the stage for graduation, and she thanks Him on the long drive to Penn State the day after Ali’s 18th birthday because even though Ashlyn can’t imagine life without Ali, she feels unimaginably proud of her.

Kathleen and Beth follow Ali’s car in Beth’s minivan, packed to the brim with everything needed to move Ali into her dorm, while Ashlyn rides with Ali. It's nonsensical, the way they've spent nearly 13 years together and still haven't run out of things to talk about, except when they're both doing their very best to avoid talking about what's happening right in front of them.

“I don't know how a roommate could possibly live up to me,” Ashlyn teases when conversation turns to the girl who Ali has been emailing with, a future teammate named Carmelina (but she said to call her Carm) who won't be arriving for a few more days.

“Nobody ever will,” Ali agrees softly, her hands gripping the wheel tightly. “Being without you is going to suck.”

Ashlyn turns to look at Ali when she hears her voice break at the end of her sentence. “Baby, no,” she says, taking one of Ali’s hands and kissing it. “This is a weekend to celebrate. Don't cry on me.”

“When you leave you'll be gone,” Ali cries. “Till Thanksgiving.”

It's not entirely true, as Ashlyn already has plans to surprise her for a home game in September, but she doesn't know that yet. And Ali has plans for a surprise trip home for Ashlyn’s birthday in October, but she can't tell her that. “We’re going to talk every day,” Ashlyn promises. There's no point in moderating expectations because of course they will, even if it's just a good morning text and I love yous throughout the day.

“It's not the same,” Ali mumbles.

“No, but we have a lifetime we get to spend together,” Ashlyn says. “It's four years.”

“Six,” Ali corrects. “When I graduate we aren't just going to magically reunite. You'll still be in college.”

“It's too soon to talk about that,” Ashlyn says softly. “We’re supposed to be together. I know that with all my heart. You're my family. You're the love of my life.” She takes Ali's right hand and lifts it to her lips for a soft kiss. “I don't care if anyone thinks we’re too young to know because I know.”

“I know too,” Ali says. “But I don't think we can fully comprehend how hard it's going to be. Even living together we argue and fight. It's going to be so much harder with distance.”

“I don't know,” Ashlyn says. “I don't want to sound naive, but most of our arguments wouldn't happen if we weren't together. Like me being a brat and whistling while you try to focus on homework. And you biting your nails when we’re watching TV. I've never ever considered being with anyone except you. Have you?”

“No,” Ali says. “Not really. I've always felt like you'd be in my life forever, but I can't see us being in love, falling out of love, and still staying best friends. And I don't want to live in a world where you aren't my best friend.”

“Then don't overthink it,” Ashlyn says, squeezing Ali’s hand. “Nobody would ever tell you to end a friendship just because you're going to college, but they'll tell you to end a relationship.” Ali’s face still looks unsure. “I love being physically close to you, but that's not what makes this work. It’s not like we’re going to miss having sex.”

Ali laughs. They had only done it the one time, but since then their nighttime texts have gotten raunchier and more specific, especially when Christen isn’t home. There have been dates to drive-in movies that have ended in the backseat of Ali’s car with hands under shirts, but neither one of them has pushed it to the next level. “If you’d had your own room, we might have been able to do a little more sneaking around.”

“Or if you hadn’t stayed in my bed that first night,” Ashlyn teases.

“I wouldn’t change that for anything,” Ali says, her tone suddenly serious. “Obviously it wasn’t ideal, getting caught like that, but I can’t imagine the past two years having to sneak around and not tell everyone how much I love you. I can’t imagine not being able to take you to my senior prom and dance with you the whole night.”

“Me neither,” Ashlyn says. They had skipped Ali’s junior prom (which was also Kyle’s senior prom) because they weren’t yet “out” at school. Everyone important knew, but both were still hesitant to make their relationship public.

That changed when Ali scored her first goal for her team to win the first game of the playoffs and ran over as soon as the whistle blew to jump into Ashlyn’s arms and plant a huge kiss on her lips. The whole team had already known, but half of the school was in the stands because it was the playoffs.

It had never been a big deal because most people just figured they were out of the loop, but Ali was markedly happier from that day forward. She even put together an elaborate scavenger hunt to ask Ashlyn to prom, using teammates and friends and teachers, and it was voted as the best “promposal” for the yearbook.

The elevators aren’t working when they get to Ali’s dorm, so the four of them take at least five trips up and down three flights of stairs in the July heat, dripping in sweat by the time they’re finally done.

“Well,” Kathleen sighs as Ashlyn and Ali collapse on the rug they just laid out on the floor. “It’s like 6. Are you girls hungry?”

“A little,” Ali says.

“I’m starving, but I’m not going anywhere like this,” Beth laughs, looking down at herself and wiping sweat from her forehead. “What if we go back to the hotel, take showers, and then come back here and go to dinner somewhere near campus?”

Ashlyn stands up, and Ali’s lip quivers. They aren’t officially leaving yet, but she doesn’t want to be left alone in her dorm room. That would feel way too real.

“Can I stay here?” Ashlyn asks.

Beth raises an eyebrow, deferring to Kathleen, who shrugs.

“I don’t have a problem with that,” Kathleen says. “You’ll both be ready to go by about 7?”

“Sure,” Ashlyn says, helping Ali up off the floor with a wink. “I know I can’t wait to check out the communal showers.”

~

After dinner at a burger place Ali’s new teammates recommended, Kathleen and Beth drop them back off at Ali’s dorm for the night. When they’re finally alone in her room (with the door closed), it’s the first time Ashlyn thinks a silence has ever been awkward between them.

“You can put, like, my sleeping bag on her bed if you want,” Ali says.

“We’ve slept in a twin bed together before,” Ashlyn laughs, and Ali blushes.

“I know, but I don’t want you to be uncomfortable or feel like we have to…”

“Make love?” Ashlyn asks, her eyes sparkling because she knows Ali won’t say it.

Ali wrinkles her nose at the cliche. “Have sex.”

“If you don’t want to, we won’t,” Ashlyn says, reaching out to take Ali’s hand. “But for what it’s worth, it was amazing the first time, and I’ve been waiting almost two years to do it again.”

Ali wraps her arms around Ashlyn’s neck, kissing her softly on the lips. They stay like that, kissing slowly like it’s their very first time discovering each other’s mouths, but without the awkwardness and teeth clashing of a real first kiss.

Ashlyn’s hands slide down Ali’s side, gripping her hips as she lifts her up so Ali’s strong legs wrap around her waist, a practice made perfect by years of giving piggyback rides. She lays her down on her newly made bed, completely with a foam topper to make it comfortable.

“Is this going to make it harder?” Ali whispers as Ashlyn hovers over her, looking down at her as if to ask if she’s sure as her fingers linger at the button of Ali’s shorts.

“I don’t think anything could make this harder,” Ashlyn answers honestly, kissing her forehead.

This time it’s less awkward, less unsure than the first time, like simply growing up and knowing each other more emotionally has helped them know each other better physically, but when it’s over, Ali’s eyes are filled with tears.

“What’s wrong?” Ashlyn asks, stroking her cheek.

“Nothing at all,” Ali says, burying her face in Ashlyn’s neck and pressing a kiss to it. “This is the closest it gets to perfect.”

~

Ashlyn thinks she might have been wrong when she wakes up the next morning to Ali’s head on her bare chest and realizes instantly that she's leaving Ali today. Maybe it does make things harder. But then she closes her eyes and remembers Ali’s face and the sounds she made the night before, how it felt when Ali touched her, and she's sure it's all worth it.

Kathleen and Beth arrive with donuts and coffee, and they help Ali unpack and put things away while Ashlyn assembles Ali’s bulletin board with pictures and memories to go over her desk. She scribbles “I love you” on a sticky note and pins it to the board right next to a picture of them in elementary school, grinning on Ashlyn’s first day of kindergarten.

Ashlyn eats slowly at lunch, knowing that they have to hit the road early in the afternoon in order to get back to Safe Haven for dinner, and everyone else seems to be doing the same to delay the inevitable.

After almost two hours at lunch, Kathleen finally clears her throat, looking around the table. “We really should get going,” she says, visibly hating that she's the bearer of bad news.

Kathleen is the first to hug Ali goodbye when they return to her dorm. She never was quite as close with Ali as Beth had been, but she attended every soccer game she could and learned all about the game so she could talk to Ali about it later.

Beth is next, and she's the one who makes Ali start crying, which Ashlyn can see from her spot a few feet away. She's always been the closest thing Ali had to a mother, and Ashlyn knows everything she’s been through with Ali forms a bond that will never break.

When Beth steps away, wiping her eyes, Ashlyn knows it's her turn, and every part of her clenches and twists in physical pain at the idea of saying goodbye to Ali.

“This is awful,” Ali says, flinging her arms around Ashlyn and squeezing her tight. “I just want you to hold me and never let me go.”

“I would if I could,” Ashlyn says, her own eyes getting misty as she holds Ali as tight as she can, almost as if trying to fuse their bodies together permanently.

“I think I've forgotten how to do life without you.”

“You haven't,” Ashlyn promises. “You're capable of so much more than you know, Alex. And you'll never do life without me. I'll always be here. I'm so proud of you.” She kisses her lips, tasting the salty combination of their tears. “I'm so proud of you.”

“I love you,” Ali murmurs against her lips, pecking them again.

“I love you too,” Ashlyn replies, kissing her one last time. “I think we’re making Kathleen and Beth uncomfortable.”

Ali smiles, her eyes shining as she looks behind Ashlyn. “Nah, they're ignoring us,” she says, wiping her eyes. “Is my mascara ruined?”

“Why? Who do you have to impress?” Ashlyn teases.

“I just don't want your last image of me to be with raccoon eyes,” Ali says, rolling her eyes.

“You look perfect as always,” Ashlyn promises, pressing her forehead to Ali’s. “My Alex.”

“My Ashlyn.”

“I don't want to go.” Ashlyn pulls away slightly.

“I don't want you to go.” Ali grips Ashlyn’s biceps as if that'll keep her from leaving.

“I have to.”

“I know.”

“I love you.”

“I know,” Ali says. “I love you too.”

Ashlyn bends down for another kiss, loving the way Ali has to stand on her tiptoes to reach her otherwise. For so long Ali had been taller, and this feels like it's how it should be, at least as far as Ashlyn is concerned.

When Ashlyn pulls away from the kiss that neither one of them ever wants to end, she squeezes Ali’s hand. “Be good,” she says.

“You too,” Ali says. “Take care of my room for me.”

“Come visit anytime,” Ashlyn says. “You didn't buy that car for nothing.”

“Yeah, I bought it to take you on dates and make out in the backseat,” Ali jokes. “You're already in love with me, so I don't really have much use for it anymore.”

“Bite your tongue,” Ashlyn says. “If I don't leave now I never will.”

Ali pouts, but she nods instead of going in for another kiss, knowing it'll be too hard to break away this time.

Ashlyn walks toward the car, looking back every few steps to see Ali, who's crying again. Her eyes fill with tears as she gets in the car, and she doesn't take her eyes off Ali again till she's out of eyesight completely.

~

The first few weeks without Ashlyn are the hardest for Ali, and the first few weeks of school without Ali are the hardest for Ashlyn.

Long distance isn't easy, and they figure that out quickly, but there is nothing Ali won't do to remind Ashlyn she loves her, whether it's sending a good morning text at the crack of dawn when she knows Ashlyn has to get up for high school or sending Christen money through PayPal to take Ashlyn out for ice cream on Ali.

They live for countdowns, like the ones they keep for Thanksgiving and Christmas and Spring Break and their trip to see Kyle at his base in Maryland. They also live for surprise visits sprinkled in between all those countdowns and random love letters they write to each other when they should probably be paying attention in class.

Ali helps Ashlyn study for the SAT and AP exams and research every scholarship available to increase her chances of getting into Penn State. Ashlyn even meets with an admissions counselor on one of her trips to visit Ali when she's still a junior to prove just how serious she is about going there.

Ashlyn considers rolling the dice and only applying to Penn State when college applications roll around the summer before her senior year, but Ali persuades her not to do it. While selfishly she wants Ashlyn to herself, she also wants Ashlyn to go to the perfect college for her, not the perfect college for Ali.

They cry together when Ashlyn gets her acceptance letter from Penn State, and they cry some more the more it becomes obvious that it isn't the school for her. No amount of grants and scholarships can make up for the marked difference between going to an in-state school like the University of Virginia, which offers Ashlyn a hefty merit-based scholarship, and going out of state, and that's before factoring in room and board and books, all of which Ali gets for free thanks to her athletic scholarship.

The only time Ashlyn isn't sure they can make it is when they get into a blow-out fight when Ali’s home for Spring Break during her sophomore year. They've made it more than a year, suffering through little spats and unkind words here and there, always making up in the end without much collateral damage.

Ashlyn may or may not be PMSing when Ali posts a caption on Instagram about being home with her “favorite people in the world” on a picture that doesn't include Ashlyn, but more than a year’s worth of insecurities bubble up to the surface and explode in a screaming match that brings Kathleen to Ashlyn’s door to make sure everything is alright.

“Sometimes I feel like you don't want to be with me, like I'm just an inconvenience or something,” Ashlyn cries when they get outside so they don't wake the whole house. She's well past the point of knowing she's being dramatic, but she can't stop the tears from flowing now.

“Maybe if you weren't so sensitive about every little thing, this wouldn't happen!” Ali exclaims, exasperated.

“Maybe if you cared a little more about my feelings, you wouldn't hurt them so much!” Ashlyn retorts.

“So every time I call you and text you and tell you I love you and talk about how much you mean to me, I'm not thinking about your feelings?” Ali asks. “Blocking time out of my days to FaceTime you doesn't show I'm dedicated? Coming home for Spring Break instead of going on vacation with my friends doesn't mean anything to you? I literally don't know what more you want from me.”

“I don't either,” Ashlyn admits. “If we can't handle this, I don't know how we’re going to do it when I'm starting college and you start the really hard part of college and have soccer and everything.”

“We?” Ali exclaims. “This is all you, Ashlyn. If you can't handle it, that's on you. Don't bring me into it.”

“You're right,” Ashlyn says. “I can't. I'm an awful person who doesn't like being hours away from her girlfriend. Sue me.”

“That's not the point,” Ali sighs.

“I don't care about the point, I care about being with you!” Ashlyn exclaims. “But if it's going to feel like this, I don't want to do it anymore!”

“Do what anymore?” Ali asks softly, her voice trembling.

“This,” Ashlyn answers, her voice defeated. “Us.”

“You're telling me you'd rather break up with me than do long distance for two more years?”

“Four more!” Ashlyn corrects. “You're the one who’s always saying that! We aren't going to be together till I graduate, and we both know it.”

“I'll go wherever you are,” Ali says, tears streaming down her cheeks. “I'm not giving up that easily.”

“I will never ask you to do that.”

“You don't have to,” Ali says. “I love you. It's what you do when you love someone. You do whatever it takes.”

Ashlyn is silent, staring across the field where they used to play growing up.

“What are you thinking?” Ali says softly, her hand brushing Ashlyn’s arm.

Ashlyn flinches away. “Nothing.”

“You love me,” Ali says, almost like she's trying to convince herself. “We love each other. This is worth it.”

“Why is that so easy for you to believe?”

Ali looks wounded. “Because it's you,” she says. “Why would I want to be alone or with anyone else when I could be with you?”

Ashlyn can think of a million reasons, but she doesn't want to put a voice to any of them. “Maybe we should take a break,” she says. “Think about it for a little bit.”

“Think about what?” Ali asks. “I haven't had second thoughts about you since we were in middle school. Some marriages don't last as long as we have. If you don't think this is special—”

“Of course it is, Alex,” Ashlyn bites, and Ali wishes she never had to hear her name said like that. “But I'm not the person I was when I was 11, just like you aren't the person you were when you were 13.”

“No, we’re better,” Ali says. “Why are you fighting this?”

“Because I've already made up my mind,” Ashlyn says.

Ali will always remember this moment as the very moment her heart broke into a million pieces. She can't breathe when the words leave Ashlyn’s mouth. She tries to open her mouth to say something, ask what the hell she's talking about, but then Ashlyn is going back inside and Ali can't even follow, left speechless on the back porch.

She wakes up fully clothed on the couch the next morning as the residents of the house tiptoe quietly around her. 

“Go wash up in my room,” Kathleen whispers when she sees Ali wake up, and Ali only understands why when she looks in the mirror and sees how awful and puffy she looks. She keeps expecting Ashlyn to walk in and say sorry, take it all back, but she doesn't. 

When she’s this upset, the only people she wants to talk to are Ashlyn and Kyle, and right now neither one of those is an option. All her clothes are in Ashlyn’s room, so she sucks it up and knocks on the door, but Ashlyn isn’t in her room, so she changes slowly, silently praying that maybe Ashlyn will come in and have to talk to her.

When she doesn’t, Ali throws her hair in a bun, puts on mascara so she doesn’t look as dead as she feels, and walks down the hill to Palm House, where she rings the doorbell, feeling almost awkward and out of place on the porch.

Beth looks only mildly surprised to see her, and she smiles, opening the door wide to let her in.

“Lemonade?” she asks, and Ali nods, following her into the kitchen, where Ashlyn is already halfway through a glass of her own. She looks even worse than Ali, which Ali didn’t think was possible. She’s been crying, which would be obvious even without the wads of Kleenex on the table. “As much as I miss having you both in my house, I’d prefer much different circumstances.”

“Me too,” Ali whispers, taking a sip from the glass Beth hands her.

“Why don’t you two take a few minutes to chat?” Beth suggests, rubbing Ashlyn’s back. “I’ll be in the laundry room if you need me.”

Before they can protest, she walks out of the kitchen briskly.

“Am I that predictable?” Ashlyn asks.

Ali smiles before she remembers she’s supposed to be mad. “I just wanted to talk to Beth.”

“Me too,” Ashlyn says. “I’m sorry.”

Ali nods, sitting down on the bench next to Ashlyn, leaving plenty of space in between. “You really hurt me.” Her voice is small, so unlike the confident tone Ali has developed over the years as she’s come into her own

“I didn’t mean to,” Ashlyn says quickly, looking up at Ali with pleading eyes. “I’m so sorry. I was confused and scared and—”

“You sounded pretty sure of yourself,” Ali says. “Like you’ve been thinking about that for a while.”

“I’ve been thinking about it since you left for college,” Ashlyn says, shaking her head when she sees Ali’s face fall. “Not like that. Not about breaking up. I just—”

“Why haven’t you talked to me?” Ali asks. “I can’t read your mind. Believe me, I’ve tried.”

“Because you don’t understand what I’m going through,” Ashlyn says. “You’ve never been the one getting left behind because you’ve always been the one who’s older and moving onto new things first.”

“I felt that way when Kyle left,” Ali says defensively.

“Hear me out,” Ashlyn says, burying her face in her hands and taking a deep breath. “I’m terrified. This is the only place I’ve ever called home. When I leave, I’m gone. I can come back to visit, but this won’t be home anymore. I don’t get a family to come home to. I don’t know where I belong or where I fit, and you’ve always known. You have Kyle, you have soccer, your teammates. You’ve always had this way of making everyone you meet fall in love with you. But I’m going to college and I need to find my own thing, my own home. And I can’t do that when I’m tethered somewhere else.”

“Stop,” Ali says, putting a hand over Ashlyn’s. “You think I’m not scared to death of what happens when I graduate? When I have to figure out life and adulthood and everything that comes along with that? I have Kyle, but he’s not around.” Her lip quivers, and tears spring to her eyes. “You’re the only thing that calms me when I get scared. You know those times I call you late at night just to talk and say I love you? It’s because sometimes I’m so paralyzed with fear that I can’t sleep and I need to hear your voice just to know you’re there. You’re my home base. You keep me afloat. You make it sound like I’m just… dragging you down.”

“You aren’t,” Ashlyn insists. “But what happens when you graduate and I’m still in school and it’s time for you to move on?” she asks. “I shouldn’t rely on one person this much. It’s not safe. You can’t just put your life on hold for me.”

“It’s not putting my life on hold when you are the most important thing in my life,” Ali says. “I always want you to feel safe with me. You’re my family. You’re my forever best friend. One day I’m going to marry you and wake up next to you every single morning if you’ll come to your senses and quit trying to break up with me.”

Ashlyn can't help but laugh as a smile tugs at the corners of Ali’s lips. “I'm not,” she says. “You're making it way too hard.”

“Maybe because we aren't supposed to break up.”

“Maybe,” Ashlyn agrees, looking at the time on her phone. “Eight hours and 42 minutes was way too long.”

“Does that mean we have to start over and set a new anniversary?” Ali pouts.

Ashlyn rolls her eyes. “I think it has to be at least 24 hours before we go there, drama queen.”

“You cannot seriously be calling me a drama queen after what you pulled,” Ali deadpans, but she cracks a smile when Ashlyn’s face falls. “Come here.” She pats the spot next to her on the dining room table’s wooden bench and pulls Ashlyn in for a kiss. “Mine,” she says, biting softly on Ashlyn’s lower lip as she pulls away. “Forever. Don't forget it.”

“I won't,” Ashlyn promises, placing a hand on the back of Ali’s neck and kissing her back.

A throat clears in the doorway leading to the hallway, and they look up to see Beth smirking. “All better I assume.”

“Ashlyn remembered how cute I am,” Ali jokes, winking at Ashlyn.

“You're both very cute, but no making out in my kitchen,” Beth chastises, tossing a hand towel at them.

“Is this a new rule?” Charlie asks, walking up behind Beth and snaking his arms around her waist, kissing her cheek and neck dramatically. “I don't think I approved of that one.”

“No making out for anyone who can't legally drink alcohol,” Beth corrects. “In the United States,” she clarifies, seeing the way Ashlyn’s mouth opens for a quick retort. “I'd love to spend time with you both, but unless you want to spend your Spring Break getting roped into spring cleaning, Ali, I'd suggest you two skedaddle.”

~

The last time they spend the night together at Safe Haven is for Ashlyn’s graduation. They pack up her room together, only breaking the silence to bring up any of the hundreds of memories they have in the room that used to be Ali’s.

Kathleen looks the other way when Ali spends the night in Ashlyn’s room, their sleeping bags zipped up together because everything else is packed, door wide open. She asks for the tenth time if Ashlyn is absolutely sure she doesn't want to leave her things in the house while she spends the summer with Ali at Penn State, which is mostly illegal because she isn't technically on her lease.

Ashlyn is sure, not because it wouldn't be way easier to have her things in storage here than in Ali’s trunk and any spare space in her apartment for the summer before Ali helps her move into college, but because she knows leaving is symbolic of more.

She’ll always have a place at Safe Haven, but it isn't home. For a while it was, of course. It’s where she was cradled and hugged and cared for, where she broke her wrist when she was 8 because she couldn't wait for the sun to dry the previous night’s rain before she went down the slide.

It's where she played and danced and practiced writing her name on the walls in crayon, where she fought boys who were picking on her friends (more times than she’d like to admit), where she grew up and fell in love, where she realized that maybe God isn't just some mythical creature, but something that lives in her heart, that makes her feel light and airy when Ali kisses her goodnight, that fills the holes in her heart left behind by all the people who weren't equipped to love her, whose greatest gift to her was giving her up to people who could.

Safe Haven was home for as long as it could be, as long as Ashlyn knew that's where Ali would return. Now she knows Ali only came back for her.

Ali has always been the biggest risk of all, not because she has always had someone waiting for her on the other side, but because she is fiercely independent, more than capable of anything she sets her mind to, talented, brilliant, hilarious, and kind, and still she chooses to love Ashlyn, to always come home to her, and now it’s Ashlyn’s turn to return the favor.

Ashlyn was six years old the first time she fought for Ali Krieger, but what she didn’t know at the time was that she’d be fighting for her forever.

**Author's Note:**

> maybe I'll give a better summary one day... but in the meantime :)
> 
> favorite lines/scenes/moments?


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